It’s hard to know where to start. I am a mother, voice teacher, and yoga instructor — my sensitivity is integral in those areas. I have been aware for about 10 years now that I am an “HSP,” a highly sensitive person, placing me in the category of “neuro-divergent” along with my child and husband, both of whom have undiagnosed ADHD and are likely also on the autism spectrum. Last night, as I sat on the couch next to my husband and cried bitter tears, I asked him in-between sobs: “How can you act like everything’s normal?” and he replied, “Oh, I’m used to it. That’s my default, even though I’ve always known that none of this is normal.”
This story is not about neurodivergence, or sensitivity, though those themes certainly tie in to my experience of what we have been collectively moving through these last 18 months. For the first year of the pandemic I was doing all the right things — staying home and teaching voice lessons online, maintaining mostly digital relationships with everyone besides my partner and child, wearing masks when going into any indoor location, stress eating and partaking of weed and alcohol more than before. (That last item in my list was of course not mandated, but was absolutely a common occurrence among many with whom I confided.) But I was also keeping up with my yoga and meditation practice, and in fact managed to take my meditation practice to the next level during this time. I have been practicing mantra meditation, sometimes called transcendental meditation, for many years, but never with as much consistency as I’ve managed these last 18 months. I read many books on mindfulness and meditation, including Pema Chodron’s “When Things Fall Apart;” it seemed appropriate. In this beautiful book, she recommends using everything that happens in life, especially the challenges and tragedies, as stepping stones towards awakening. She also advocates for embracing uncertainty, and states “Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic — this is the spiritual path.”
For me, having a sanctioned break from the “hustle economy” and daily stresses gave me permission to inquire further into my sensitivity in my practices; to embrace and fully accept it. Perhaps my sensitivity is a gift that allows me to perceive what others cannot — my work as a voice teacher certainly reflects this. My perceptive ears and burgeoning intuitive abilities became all the more important as I embarked upon the challenging task of teaching voice lessons and classes exclusively over zoom. At the start of the pandemic, I had a greater sense of my gifts and skills being needed; not only that, but I was developing a deeper sense of trust in my own body and intuitive abilities through increased singing practice time and my surprising ability to “tune in” to a student even across a distance. I even recorded a podcast with a former student/colleague, mostly on the topic of fear, and felt like I was in a unique position as a yoga and music practitioner to put out positive messages and songs during this challenging time that we all hoped would be short lived. I was immensely grateful to be lucky/privileged enough to be able to continue teaching and to have (relatively) stable housing — I actually started the arduous (yet eventually miraculous) process of searching for and buying my first house during the early months of the pandemic; I moved into my new home June of 2020.
As the pandemic wore on, I started to sense a point of diminishing returns — I had experienced the rest and reflection I needed, I had done a fair amount of trauma release in therapy sessions and in my practices, and a new kind of trauma was slowly revealing itself — a deep longing for community connection outside of my little nuclear family and occasional outdoor one-on-one walks with friends. Having always tested as an “ambivert” in personality tests, I realized that I am, in fact, a bit more of an extrovert and was deeply missing in-person group interaction, especially singing with others. Being an HSP, I have always had to balance my sensitivity (which extends occasionally into social anxiety) with my connection needs, and have found over the years that singing in theatrical and operatic productions is extremely therapeutic and achieves that balance beautifully. The production I was cast in with Light Opera of Portland was of course postponed indefinitely; it was to be my first starring role in my correct voice type as a soprano (I discuss my transition from mezzo-soprano to soprano in this article.) All that to say, like most everyone else, I have had my share of things to grieve during the course of this global crisis; though I often chose to focus on the silver linings, it became necessary to spend more time tending to my feelings of loss and longing, and less time teaching over zoom (I was starting to get pretty “zoomed-out.”) As I was growing in my awareness and acceptance of myself as a sensitive person, I was realizing how much I was picking up on collective grief and anxiety and needing time to process that, as well. As Chodron recommended, I was using my challenges to awaken on a personal level - but as I came to accept myself as a sensitive, empathic extrovert, I was finding increasing conflict between my unique way of being in the world and the world (society) itself.
In addition to the unsustainable nature of spending a much longer amount of time in front of a screen as a HSP, I was realizing how unsustainable “distance learning” was for my neurodivergent child. Some kids seemed to adapt well to distance learning, but my sweet, creative kiddo is the type who needs social experience and external structure to keep them focused. My husband being a music teacher in the public school system and needing to focus his attention on adapting his music curriculum to an online experience (quite the task), it fell to me to manage “distance learning” with my child; it became increasingly clear how ridiculous this was, and how the system didn’t seem to have space for us. The teachers were doing their best to be adaptable and compassionate, but I sensed from the administration and some elusive, higher-up authority that we were expected to conform to this all-size-fits-all exclusively digitized learning. Something about it reeked of the “hustle economy” that I had largely healed from — having experienced a personal break from it and through the insights gained in therapy, I was able to see more clearly how our schools were feeding right into that ‘cog-in-a-machine,’ hustle economy kind of mentality. Even our artsy magnet school fell right into a cookie-cutter, grade-focused way of operating in Fall of 2020, with a notable exception being a warm-hearted English teacher who allowed my kiddo to paint a mural in her classroom instead of completing several assignments, once we were back in the classroom part-time for “hybrid” learning. (Hybrid learning = 2 days/week in-person, still sitting in front of laptops, six feet apart from other kids, masked.) It was heartbreaking to witness my child struggling in this environment and feel powerless to help them.
Eventually, in addition to losing some amount of faith in the institution of our public schools, I was starting to lose faith in other societal institutions, as well. From the beginning of lockdowns, I had a friend who was causing a bit of cognitive dissonance for me due to the questions she was asking, such as “At first Fauci told us that masks don’t stop viral spread; then he said he was lying about that to prevent a mask shortage. Was he lying then or is he lying now?” and another one: “Fauci himself said early on that asymptomatic transmission never drives a respiratory pandemic. The studies I’ve looked at confirm this. Why are we locking down?” Though I knew this friend to be smart and discerning, I suspected she may be influenced by being isolated socially, and though I had compassion for her and was there for her as much as I could be without breaking quarantine, something in me dismissed what she was saying. I told her (and myself) that I was continuing to ride that wave of uncertainty, and though I was unable or unwilling to look into things for myself, I felt that it was best to continue doing what we were being told and to trust the “experts,” i.e., the authorities.
This all fell apart for me in early March, 2021. I had settled into my new home and put down roots, worked through a fair amount of personal trauma, and most importantly, accepted myself and my sensitivity in a new way in which my personal self worth no longer depended on what others think of me. I had also been watching Russell Brand’s latest YouTube videos; I resonate with Brand as a fellow performer and yogi, and whatever you may think of his dry humor and fast-talking, I found the info he was presenting to be verifiable once I did a bit of digging. Many of these videos were about something called the “Great Reset” and reminded me a bit of what my friend had been trying to tell me for an entire year. Hindsight, as they say, is 20–20. My “wrong-thinking” friend had written an interesting article arguing for free and open discourse, which sounded like a good thing, and included many links that were a jumping-off point for my own research. As soon as I started following those links in earnest and connecting dots for myself, a sinking sensation took over and I suddenly realized what that “something” was that had told me to dismiss my friend’s questions these past several months: social pressure coupled with deep fear of social ostracization. If I took those questions seriously and did the research necessary to either settle my doubts or do the very challenging work of re-orienting my worldview, then I run the risk of becoming one of “those people” who my greater “tribe” (as a liberal/leftist in Portland, OR) despises. Living through the Trump years was traumatizing in its own way, yet now I look back and see how social media trained us on the Left to vilify anyone and anything associated with he-who-shall-not-be-named, and to label as “fake news” anything that was not curated for us by trusted sources such as the Washington Post, New York Times, or the Fact Checkers. Now, along with my friend, I was raising questions that I had heard those on the “other side” raise, and initially this association was deeply disturbing, even dizzying. At this time, I wasn’t aware of anyone else besides my friend and all of “those people” on the right who were raising these questions, so it felt incredibly taboo. Thankfully I had my years of yogic practice, therapy, and meditation to fall back on. These practices have taught me to stay present and curious, to breathe into challenging emotions that arise, recognizing that I am more than those emotions - this became not just a daily practice, but a necessary tool for navigating this whole (not so) new reality I was awakening to. I managed to keep my open mind and open heart through the exploration prompted by my friend’s article, balancing my reasoning with the intuitive sensing in my body, uniting wisdom and compassion. Never did I feel that I had landed on the “whole truth,” only more questions and a feeling of losing trust in authorities/institutions such as mainstream media and our governing bodies. Conversely, I have been gaining trust in the wisdom of my own body, my discerning mind, and in my own unique relationship with my Higher Self/Higher Power. After months of hiding my head in the sand (with regards to current global events), trusting the news sources my friends posted on Facebook, seeing through a partisan lens as much as I would have liked to think I wasn’t, and doing what I was told, I was now putting my hard-earned empowerment to use by looking into things for myself. It has been quite a crash course in immunology, political systems, history, and how to read medical papers, but it feels worthwhile knowing now (after hours of research) that I am coming to my own conclusions and not taking at face value what my friends tell me, or what the media or institutions tell us to believe.
So where have I landed? Nowhere solid, I fear - still riding those waves of uncertainty, still questioning. But I can say that I see propaganda coming from both sides of the aisle in mainstream media, that my Google searches turn out quite different from my Duck Duck Go searches, and I’ve developed a healthy distrust of all governmental agencies, pharmaceutical companies, and the wealthy elite/billionaire class. I don’t suffer from any illusions that I have the whole truth, and I’m open to other viewpoints, though I’ve found that many are not open to mine. I have found it to be a very difficult social situation/ moment in history in which I often don’t feel emotionally safe to share my true beliefs on this matter. Most of the time when I share my honest somewhat newfound perspectives, many friends and family members (while generally purporting to refrain from judging) either distance themselves or express “concern” for me that I have fallen prey to misinformation or conspiracy theories. This feels condescending and arrogant, reminiscent of “gas-lighting,” and is quite hurtful at times, though I know they likely mean no harm. I find it concerning that the “conspiracy theory” phrase is used towards any alternative Covid narrative, and that many different narratives are often lumped into one and summarily dismissed. Along with “anti-vaxxer,” I have come to see how the “conspiracy theorist” label is like a spell word weaponized to invalidate and discredit anyone who speaks out of line with the prevailing narrative. My peace-loving heart breaks for the lost and strained relationships in my life, for how quick many are to judge and condemn those that think differently, and for the deep divide in this country and around the world.
I care deeply about my fellow humans and do not believe I am causing harm to others through my actions, or inactions. I am continuously re-evaluating this belief and practicing humility and openness to different viewpoints, while also building up confidence and courage to speak my truth. Writing this article is one way that I am building that courage, but many nights I end up crying on the couch, feeling alone. Though I know very well now that I’m not alone — I’ve found several other friends who, like me, are in the (somewhat) silent minority, and are in various different phases of questioning the prevailing Covid narrative. I’ve made new friends and started connecting with a diverse group of underground questioners, and feel solidarity with the massive protests happening across Europe — protests that don’t make it to the mainstream news, or if they do, are spun and discredited.
Those who know me well know that I am a smart, discerning, balanced, compassionate individual who typically does not “go against the herd,” put myself into a conflict situation, or raise controversial topics without a really good reason. What I’ve found in my research is so concerning that I feel called to speak out despite the very real social and career risks.
To me, “speaking out” looks like telling my unique story of awakening that I shared above, inviting you to follow some of the links I’ve included, and asking questions — then allowing others to think for themselves and come to their own conclusions, taking actions that feel in-alignment for them. Unlike the mainstream narrative stance, I am not telling anyone what to do or what to believe. But I do find it important to raise awareness that censorship is happening on a massive scale. This article, in fact, was initially censored, as in, taken down by the platform Medium, and is still “under investigation for being in violation of the Medium rules.” Speaking of censorship, remember when bringing up questions around the likely lab origins of Sars-Cov2 was cause for de-platforming, early on in the pandemic? Now that theory is accepted as credible by the mainstream. What other “conspiracy theories” (yes, the lab origin hypothesis absolutely did earn that label) could turn out to have truth in them? And more importantly, when has censorship been used for the betterment of society?
Other questions I’ve found it important to raise include: Is it scientific to silence, censor, and bully the thousands (not just 12) of doctors and scientists who are brave enough to risk their careers to speak their truth that goes against the prevailing narrative? Who is funding the mainstream media and big tech? Is it worth factoring in the massive influence the pharmaceutical companies have over the government, and perhaps their shady past? And then there’s the major issue of early treatment options for Covid - I find it questionable that Big Pharma could not have qualified for the Emergency Use Authorization needed for the Covid vaccines if there were any alternatives available. One such alternative treatment is currently being attacked in Left-wing media outlets: the drug ivermectin, a repurposed, affordable drug that many studies show is safe and effective when used early on in Covid treatment. Though many now believe this is a drug only for animals, it won the Nobel prize in 2015 for use in humans; I’ve been sickened to witness the false reporting of leagues of people poisoning themselves with this potentially life-saving medicine.
Here are some more questions I invite you to explore:
When it comes to the Covid vaccines, have you read the raw data/studies, and do you know the difference between absolute risk reduction and relative risk reduction? How about a definitive list of ingredients? Have you looked into the thousands of deaths and adverse reactions reported here in America after Covid V’s? If you don’t trust the VAERS data, why would the CDC not create a better system of tracking adverse reactions before rolling out a brand new kind of vaccine on a massive scale? Have you read any actual data to support the media’s claims that the Covid unvaxxed are driving the variants or perpetuating the pandemic? When else in history have we seen the formation of a two-tiered society? Has that ever been a good thing?
For me, bodily autonomy is a spiritual birthright. It’s part of why I have always supported Planned Parenthood and women’s right to choose. The long-term effects of the Covid vaccines are unknown, and my research coupled with knowing my body’s sensitivities has led me to some serious (but necessary and productive) soul-searching. I completely recognize that this virus is real; I acknowledge the tragic loss of life, and I have compassion for all affected. I know what it feels like to struggle to breathe, having grown up with severe asthma. I ended up in the hospital several times as a child, sometimes with pneumonia, and a few times after grand mal seizures that may have been linked to childhood vaccines. My personal journey led me to yoga and other natural healing modalities, which proved much more effective and empowering for me and my sensitive system than the Western medical approach ever did. At the same time, I am grateful for Western medicine and believe it has its place, though I found that in most of my personal experiences it was a “one size fits all” management of symptoms rather than addressing root causes. I have come so far in healing and empowering myself, physically and emotionally; I have developed trust with my own body’s wisdom and the perception that it is right to honor my body’s boundaries and to listen when my body is saying “no.” I have not come this far in my healing to then violate my own body due to social pressure, coercion, or even unlawful mandates. It is incredibly disheartening to suddenly find myself in a society where I am told on a daily basis that my body’s wisdom must be wrong, or at least not as important as what the authorities are saying.
Despite the enormous social challenge and mental upheaval that comes with a major shift in world view and with confronting these difficult questions and decisions, there is much I am grateful for. I am grateful for the friends I’ve found (plus my therapist) who have been able to hold space for me, grateful for teachers/authors/thinkers such as Charles Eisenstein whose messages resonate with me, grateful for my vaxxed husband who has limited bandwidth for these discussions but respects (and shares many of) my perspectives and offers me love and support, and grateful for all the lessons I’m learning about myself and others. I have compassion for those who vilify me, as I know they may have wounds and fear leaving them vulnerable to the influences of mainstream media and social pressure, just as I was. All in all, I feel that this time has been quite rich spiritually and I’m noticing signs of growth that I just can’t ignore. As I anchor more deeply into my spiritual life, I am more able to confront the systems of extraction and colonialism that I see as being behind the encroaching totalitarianism veiling itself as being “for our own good.”
These systems of exploitation have been around for thousands of years, though they are certainly not “normal” as my husband reminded me on the couch the other night. Being neurodivergent, he is used to “going along to get along” in societal systems that aren’t built for him and ask him to compromise his truth in order to fit in. Those systems would have us believe that there is no such thing as spirit, that we are simply matter to be programmed and controlled. I reject this premise that underlies transhumanism and technocracy, both terms worth looking into for their relevance in today’s “brave new world.” It may feel like a stretch to consider how these themes may be connected to the pandemic response, but there are many credible researchers including Allison McDowell who claim that vaccine passports are the “thin edge of a wedge” leading toward a mandatory digital ID system that is tied to currency and our ability to access services and education. Allison, a mom and someone coming from the Left like me, warned us back in April of 2020 that digital vaccine passports were coming; this digital ID system currently rolling out in Europe, New York, and LA could eventually lead to a bio-security state in which we live exclusively digital “lives” and the elite class sees us as debt commodities that they can bet on in order to keep the endless growth of capitalism going. Sounds crazy, I know - but this mom from Philly sounds completely sane to me and has really done her research, and what if the billionaire class truly is planning something like that? Is it really that far-fetched, when technology has advanced so quickly, and we all know that quote about absolute power?
I’m not a technophobe — I appreciate and value technology when it works for us; I just don’t want to end up working for it, or merging with it as the transhumanists envision. I am sensing an underlying agenda to make machines more human, and humans (and the way we run things) more machine-like. Where does that leave people like me who would rather not experience bio/digital convergence?
Wherever you stand on how we’re handling the pandemic, is it possible to unite around issues of consent and control — can we agree that we’re facing the biggest upwards wealth transfer in history, and many unelected individuals have enormous influence? Can we agree that it’s ethically wrong to force something into someone’s body? What would happen if we stop allowing ourselves to be divided and conquered, and instead practice curiosity and courage when having challenging conversations with one-another? As we seek to understand and evade the forces of greed that prop up broken systems of hierarchical power, we must also create new systems, personally and politically, in our relationships and our societies; systems of support that are more in alignment with our precious Earth and with the natural laws of the universe.
I see this every day when I teach voice — as we release the muscle groups that represent parts of ourselves that want to control and protect, we can more fully call upon the breath, our deeper core muscles, and our unique resonant potential to stabilize our ephemeral existence in each moment. Sensitivity to inefficient or unnecessary muscle engagement is a gift to be appreciated when our goal is aligned, powerful, sustainable singing. Us sensitives are more able to hear the subtlety beneath the noise, more equipped to notice where something is “off” before it becomes obvious. Perhaps it is time to listen to the sensitives in our midst so that our societal systems can start to move back into alignment, and so our lives aren’t hijacked by the “control and protect” forceful agenda.
None of this is normal, and it is not new. It is simply a ramping up of old energies, a clinging to old systems that do not serve us, that have never served us. This moment in history is an opportunity to finally, definitively, say no to the colonialist control agenda — it is also a tipping point where we risk becoming slaves to those who now have the technology and influence to use us as pawns to hold onto their power. But they don’t know the true power we have when we align and unite, when we let sensitivity lead. Let us sing a new song, together.
Such a well articulated piece. I deeply resonate with all that you've said here. Thank you for giving voice to your experience, as I know that it is so much like my experience and others as well. xoxo
What a wonderfully, thoughtful article. Thank you for your gentle yet incisive questions, and powerful declarations of sovereignty. It takes courage to privately- let alone publicly- explore these concerns these days.